Monday, December 19, 2011

Christmas Wish List

I intentionally didn't provide my family/friends with my wish list this year. I don't really NEED anything and I didn't want anyone to feel obligated to get something just because I put it on my list. However...it's close enough to Christmas that I can safely list what I would have wished for this year :)

~ tan uggs
~ macarons
~ tiffany button earrings
~ burberry scarf/gloves/hat set
~ Vampire Diaries season 1 & 2
~ Amazing Grace perfume
~ gift cards
~ overnighter at a B&B
~ Spa day!
~ Barnes & Noble membership

Monday, November 28, 2011

Part of Growing is Knowing when to LET GO of your Dreams...

"Who am I to so arrogantly assume that I deserve better?"

This is the thought on my heart today. I am always looking to the future, hoping and wondering what's next, waiting for something better. But why should I assume there is anything better out there for me?? There are so many people in impossibly rotten situations, and they hope for something better too...I should just shut-up and learn to be happy with the life God has given me.

I am developing a new appreciation for the little things in life. The way my heart feels like it might burst when Ava tells me she loves me. The taste & warmth of a cup of coffee in the morning. The smell of my favorite fabric softner. The feeling of snuggling into a warm bed each night. There are so many things that I truly enjoy in my simple everyday life. And that is what it's really all about.

Sure I'd love to be a successful career woman, have crazy amounts of money and travel the world. And of course I want Prince Charming and the castle and a bunch of pretty, perfectly-behaved children. But that is never going to happen, and I'm ok with that. I may never leave Genesee County (though I will certainly try!). I may never have a career. I will never meet my Prince charming. But I will wake up every day and be happy. I will slow down and appreciate the "sweet nothings" that light up my life. I will do my best to better serve the Lord, to be a better friend, a better daughter, a better mother, a better person.

At some point you grow up and realize that life is really just about surviving and making the best of the life you've been given. God has a plan for me, for you, for everyone. I have finally fully surrendered to the fact that I am not actually in control, God is. If I am meant for bigger and better things I know He will lead me along that path, but right now I feel like He is whispering to me something a friend recently told me... "Bloom where you are planted, love"

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Thankful

I have been sick for the past two weeks, so I didn't get to follow through with posting something I was thankful for every day leading up to Thanksgiving. I actually spent most of Thanksgiving Day in bed, which was a blessing in it's self!

As I reflect back to Thanksgiving a year ago, I honestly can't even remember it. My life was in ruin and I was living in a permanent fog of confusion. By the grace of God I can finally say that I have broke through that fog which consumed my life for the past 16 months. I am seeing and thinking clearly for the first time in a long time and it feels pretty good. A side-effect of that has been the reality of all that's happened during the fog. It's almost like a whole new heart-break sometimes. BUT again, by the grace of God I am able to get out of bed (most days) and be the best mom I can be for Ava and truly enjoy the little things in life.

Through the direct mistakes of others and also a few colossal mistakes of my own, I have grown and matured so much. I have a better understanding of God and His perfect timing. Most importantly I have learned that the world does not in fact revolve around me. Shocking, I know. I really GET the concepts of 'don't sweat the small stuff' and 'find joy in everyday'. I feel like my heart & mind have matured and I can see the BIG PICTURE. It's such a liberating feeling to be free from the bonds of small-mindedness. This Thanksgiving I am able to smile and say that I am truly thankful for many things, but the thing I am most thankful for this year is the Grace and Love and Guidance of God!

“But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.”
1 Peter 5:10

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Thanksgiving Countdown

So Thanksgiving is one week from today! For the next week I'll post some things I am thankful for each day.

Today 11/17/11 I am thankful for my precious, beautiful, smart, funny, energetic, silly, sweet, fiesty, sassy & loving daughter. Today is her birthday and I can not believe she is 4 already!! The time really does fly. She is growing into a wonderful young lady...for the most part ;)

Friday, September 30, 2011

Dental Detrement

I used to keep such good care of my teeth...brush 2-3 times everyday, use only the best toothpaste, brush in tiny circles, go to the dentist diligently every 6 months...but apparently none of that matters if you DON'T FLOSS! Wow...who knew that flossing was actually necessary?! My parents did. I sure didn't think they had a clue what they were talking about though. But now that I am older, wiser & have a whopping 13 cavities (!!!) I am pretty sure they knew exactly what they were talking about!

A few weeks ago I went in to discuss a "plan" for my dental work. I totally felt like an idiot when they informed me it's going to take a total of 5 appointments and $4000 to fix everything :(

I am making head way going about every 3 weeks, so I should be done in late November. You may wonder why I am sharing this embarrassing info...1) I'm not above some deserved self-deprecation, 2) Let it be a word to the wise: kids, listen to your parents when they tell you to floss! and eat your peas! and to stop making that face before it sticks that way!


The toothless look is not quite this cute on a grown woman!

If...#2

"IF life had a rewind button, would you use it?"

Oh this is a funny one! I would love to have the ability to go back and change some things, but probably if I really had the chance I wouldn't do it. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, so all the trials & struggles are just God's handiwork...His test of my faith or strengthening me in His way. There are a few things that I have done that I feel guilty about, but guilt is a major tool of satan and I try not to dwell on those instances and instead learn from them and realize how my actions/words/etc. impact others and God. Now if only life had a pause button.....

"See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." Hebrews 12:15

Monday, September 26, 2011

If...#1

IF you had to name the best live musical performance you have ever attended, which would you pick?

I would have to say...Keith Urban. He puts on an incredible show. He can play guitar like nobody's business, let me tell you! Honestly I feel like I am at a rock concert rather than a country concert each time I go.

A close second would be the Glee live tour...that was just pure child-like fun!!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Fat not Phat

So I hopped on the scale today just for the heck of it and I was shocked by the number I saw!! I am heavier than I have ever been (not including pregnancy) and I'm NOT HAPPY about it!

I was maintaning at about 135lbs for quite a while now and I was ok with that. I was like a size 8, sometimes able to fit a 6. It wasn't where I would like to be, but I still felt good about myself.

Now I am abot 147lbs and a sixe 10 or higher. It Sucks! I feel awful about myself, none of my clothes fit, it's driving me crazy. I think a lot of it is due to the Lupron injections that put me into "faux" menopause. That combined with my love of food and inclination to be lazy....I am doomed!! :(

If....

I journal almost every night, but sometimes I need a break from all the intensity of it and I just need to write something to clear my mind so I can sleep! So with that in mind I purchased a book called "If...", basically it has a different prompt for each day. My goal is to blog my way through the whole book!! You will find out things about me you never even knew you wanted to know lol!!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Royal Wedding



I FINALLY got to watch the Royal Wedding this morning. Normally I wouldn't be so caught up in all the hoopla, but I have to say it was magical!! I had chills when Kate stepped out of the car in that GORGEOUS dress. She looked amazing and exactly like a princess should!



The whole wedding is so regal, I can't even believe it. It's like watching a real-life version of Cinderella! I LOVE how the whole thing is steeped in traditions. I miss that about American weddings - we try to be so 'modern' and 'edgy' with our weddings, it was refreshing to see such an elegant and traditional ceremony. William & Kate are so adorable together and SO good-looking! I am going to pretend that they will have a 'happily ever after' life that we all dream of - I know it's not true, but I need to believe in a fairy tale right now!!



Some random thoughts about the wedding...

~ The hats!! Oh my!

~ Harry is adorable! I think it will be my mission to move to London and try to snag him, lol

~ Kate is beautiful. I love how she can pull off fun and graceful at the same time. And her voice is so regal and pretty!

~ William is like the perfect Prince, is he not?

~ The choir and pipe organ playing as she walked down the aisle gave me chills! It sounded amazing!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Retreating

All my life I've not been big on socializing, but once I finally started getting out there and having a life and friends I felt so much better than I ever have! I guess I'm not so anti-scoial after all. Lately I have been dumped on again by stress and am just feeling totally overwhelmed. Those old feelings of wanting to just stay home and be alone all the time are coming back. I'm not sure if it's like a self-preservation thing and my body is telling me I need a break OR if it's motivated by stress and my fear of people seeing what a mess I really am right now?? Who knows...? Bottom line - if I have been turning you down lately when you ask me to hang out PLEASE don't stop asking. It's not that I don't want to...I just need some extra encouragement!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Idol ReCap - Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame

Before they even started singing I knew I was gonna LOVE this week!

*Jacob*
Seriously not a fan of his. I like more rock and he's like straight R&B. I would love to see him do some gospel though!

*Hailey*
Wowza! I love her voice and of course Janis was an awesome choice for her!

*Casey*
He was amazing as usual! One of my favorite songs and he did an amazing job!!

*Lauren*
She was an early favorite of mine, but I'm getting a little bored of her. She did a good job, but nothing spectacular.

*James*
I was expecting him to go big like usual this week, but it was nice to see him slow it down. Every week I feel like I am watching a concert when he performs and this was great as usual!

*Scotty*
It was fun to hear him do Elvis, but I wish he would have picked a better song. He would have rocked Jail House Rock! He was entertaining and adorable as usualPi.

*Pia*
NO BALLAD woohoo! She was amazing and it was so refreshing to see this side of her. Something about her reminds me of Fergie sometimes.

*Stefano*
He made a great song choice. The song combined with his charisma, swagger and amazing voice was like insta-swoon!

*Paul*
Can't believe my boy was in the bottom three last week!! He is so talented and this week was no exception!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Thankful Thursday

Thankful to be back at work today, cause that means I am recovering and feeling better!

Thankful for so many gluten-free pre-packaged foods that are becoming available. I just had Amy's Gluten Free Mac & Cheese for lunch and it was delicious!

Thankful for the sunshine today - isn't it gorgeous out there?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Idol ReCap - Motown Week

Casey - He's always amazing! I love how unique he is and how comfortable he is on the stage. He's slightly crazy which really works for me. I don't like cookie cutter singers, they gotta have that 'something' and he does.

Thia - She's adorable and a great singer. It was nice to see her loosen up and have some young attitude tonight. I just am nervous for her cause she seems like she gets forgotten among all the other big personalities on the show this year.

Jacob - Oh my. He is very good and controlled - can't wait for him to bust out the Gospel songs!! I just can't get over his theatrics though :-(

Lauren - She was gorgeous tonight. And the song was fun and full of attitude that she pulled off well. She's very talented, but seems a little too young.

Stefano - Wow is he yummy! He's so adorable. And he can sing like CRAZY. My only problem is I can't feel where he would fit in in the music world. And like the judges said he needs to learn to connect.

Haley - I love the different unique quality to her voice. She kinda growls, its cool. Wasn't super inmpressed with he tonight though. She looked awesome (great legs!!)

Scotty - Oh Scotty, you make me smile. He seems like he could be a real stinker eh? I was nervous for him with motown and all, but he did good. Nice to hear him singing in a different range and what-not. Glad to see he's not afraid to try something new.

Pia - She already looks like a star! And of course she can sing the crap out of anything. But she seems distant like she cares more about the technical aspect of her singing instead of connecting.

Paul - Mmmm I love me some Paul. He is my all-round favorite. Not only is he GORGEOUS but he's quirky and talented, which are three qualities that make for one awesome artist. I know he's not everyone's cup-of-tea, but I am really drawn to his performance style and sound. OMG I could just eat him up lol.

Namia - I think she is beautiful in such a unique way. She did awesome tonight - such a fun song and you could see she was having fun with it. Refreshing.

James - Lovin my rocker! Every year I have a soft spot for the underdog rock dude and James isn't a disappointment. He's a great performer and one I'd love to see in concert.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Shopping for Warm Weather Clothes...

I HATE shopping for spring/summer stuff. Like seriously is there a more depressing shopping trip than one where you have to try on shorts, tanks AND swimsuits?!? I am dreading it, but I need some new things bad. I have a new approach this year that I hope will really work. Normally I am a 100% bargain shopper - nothing over $20, if it's on sale and fits I'll get it. I end up with 10 pairs of shorts that I hate and 3 swimsuits I can't stand. This year my plan is to purchase a couple pairs of shorts and a couple swimsuits that I feel GREAT in - no matter the cost. Wow! That is gonna be hard to do, but I am ready for the challenge. Who knows, maybe I'll show off my lovely purchases in a later blog...

Friday, March 4, 2011

Balance

bal·ance [bal-uhns] noun
1. a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.
2. something used to produce equilibrium; counterpoise.
3. mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgment, etc.

I feel like I am all over the place lately and I keep seraching for what I need to get me centered again. I need BALANCE. I need to find balance in a lot of areas such as...

Being Christian ~ Being Human
Being Ava's Mother ~ Being Myself
Wanting to be alone for a while ~ Searching for a significant other
Having Fun ~ Being Smart

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

!@#$%^&*

I just don't know what is going on with me. I am becoming so angry and bitter. I try to fight it, I really do. I am doing a daily devotional and a Bible study and praying like a fool, but none of it seems to help. I just feel like the world is one big pile of crap. I am swiftly losing faith in the human race. Nobody cares about anything but themselves. This is especially true of the male gender. They are inexplicably selfish, and they lie...a lot. It's so hard to keep a Christian heart when you are faced with idiocy every day. But I am trying, I swear! I pray for a happy heart, for an attitude that reflects the hope and joy of my faith. Hopefully God will grant me with those blessings before I blow someones head off (kidding!)

Friday, February 4, 2011

Gluten free Update

So I've been gluten-free for about a month now and I feel great!! I can't believe I have been struggling with this for most of my life, yet the solution was so simple! I am so thankful to finally know why I was sick all the time. It's been super hard cutting out my favorite foods - pizza, pasta, donuts, cupcakes - but it's worth it. I am debating if I should plan one day a month where I go totally bananas and pig out on everything glutenous....most people tell me this is a horrible idea, but when you'd kill for a pizza you do crazy things :-)

Thankfully I have some good support from others who can't eat gluten. They have been such a huge help in sharing ideas, tips and recipes. Thanks to my parents, Emily, Jami, Jenn, Alli and everyone else!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Thankful Thursday reboot

So I am going to try to be more active with my 'Thankful Thursday' posts. If ever there was a time in which I needed to take a moment each week and think about something I am thankful for - this is that time! So, here are a few things I am thankful for today...

~ COFFEE!

~ The exchange that happened in the kitchen this morning...
Me: "Ava can you please bring mama a spoon?"
Ava: "Sir yes sir!"

~ The freedom to choose, even if I sometimes choose poorly

~ A job that I enjoy

~ www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com, whenever I need a quick laugh I go there!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Gluten Free and Me

So I finally did it! I am officially gluten free! And it sucks, lol! But I'm feeling better so that's what really matters. Though I'd seriously consider murder for a cupcake right now...

The reason I went gluten free is simple - I want to feel better. There are a few people in my family that have either Celiac or a gluten-intolerance. I have very similar symptoms as they do, so I am assuming I have the same issue. I could go get a blood test or scope to find out for sure, but with no insurance at the moment that isn't really an option. I talked with my doctor and he said that the simplest way to find out if you have a gluten allergy, etc is to cut it out completely for a month or so and see how you feel. So that is my plan of attack. It has been about 5 days now and I feel pretty good! I had one horrible stomach ache and I think it's because the tortilla chips I ate were flour instead of corn :-( I am dying for a lot of the yummy gluten filled foods that I normally eat, but feeling good is worth more than the price I would pay for whoofing down a pizza!

So, wish me luck! It's gonna be a long hard and tempting road, but feeling better, being healthy and losing weight (hopefully) should be enough incentive to put down the donut...

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Ramblings of a Broken Heart Part 1

For some reason I am having an really bad night tonight, not sure why, but it sucks. I've been crying for hours and I am so not a cryer! I am feeling very alone and unwanted. I know that is not true, there are many people who love me and I am never alone. But that's not the kind of alone and unwanted I am talking about. I have been in a serious, steady relationship with the same person since I was sixteen. I am only 26 now. That is almost half of my life, and it is my entire adult life. Because of him I was never without a friend, someone to talk to, someone to be close with, someone to be intimate with. For ten years I had that privilege of never feeling alone. Now I am alone I sometimes can't handle it. I get scared and sad. I used to pride myself on mot being the kind of woman that needs a man to feel complete, but now that there is no man in my life, I hate to admit that I do feel a little lost. I'm not saying my self worth is measured by men, it's just that I have come accustomed to having one around. How badly I want to be hugged and kissed. How badly I want to be told that I look beautiful. How badly I want to not go to bed alone every single night. I guess I kinda took all that for granted before. For that I am truly sorry, I should have appreciated those things a little more. But the past is the past and now I am here in the present feeling all alone and unwanted. I have come to realize that "true love" and all that crap does not exist. But just because something doesn't exist doesn't mean we can still want it, right? I've never been the type to get swept away by romance in a movie or book, but now I find myself crying at cheesy movies and songs and commercials. It sucks! But each time I get all weepy, I try to remind myself that stuff only exists in fantasy. In reality guys pretty much only love you as a friend or they just want to sleep with you. I know that there isn't some prince charming waiting for me out there. No one to come sweep me off my feet and ride off into the sunset. No one to fight for me. No one to love me more than anything in this world. There's no one. BUT if he is out there I pray that God will heal my heart so I can love him in return...